When Their Pain Echoes Yours: Guiding Your Child Through Healing After Disclosure

When a child discloses abuse, it can be one of the most difficult moments that a caregiver will ever face. This is especially apparent when disclosure echoes their own trauma. For the caregiver, it can be a period of shock, uncertainty, grief, anger, guilt, and uncomfortable conversation. However, through this process, healing is possible not only for the child, but also for the caregiver. These are not two separate entities but an interconnected healing journey. This article will cover understanding your reaction as a caregiver, supporting your child’s healing journey, and finding ways to care for yourself so that you can more fully and presently show up for your child. 

Your Experience of Your Child’s Disclosure – Understanding Your Reaction 

While the focus of these types of disclosures is most often on the child, there is also a need to validate and understand your own reaction as a caregiver. According to McElvaney & Nixon (2019), parents’ experience of their child’s abuse disclosure can be a “rupture of reality”, something that they describe as getting stuck in the rearview. This is the phenomenon of retrospective sense-making; trying to understand why your child didn’t disclose to you sooner, and why you didn’t notice any signs that something was wrong (McElvaney & Nixon, 2019). This is a common theme surrounding caregiver reactions, an underlying feeling of guilt and self-blame. This can be even furthered for mothers, due to societal pressures to be the family protector and what Serin (2018) calls “The Myth of Perfect Motherhood”. Some caregivers have reported that disclosure shatters your identity as a capable parent, as you become the object to blame in this abuse narrative (McElvany & Nixon, 2019; Serin, 2018). 

If you are not only a caregiver, but also a survivor of child abuse, this process may be very triggering for you (Lange et al., 2019). It may bring to the surface some trauma that has been pushed down, and some triggers due to similar situations within the narrative (Lange et al., 2019). As you go through this process, remind yourself to take a step back and know that your reaction is valid. It is important to recognize your emotional response so that you can allow your child, and yourself, to fully heal. 

Reframing Guilt and Reclaiming the Role of Protector 

One of the biggest misunderstandings about delayed disclosure is asking yourself why your child might have waited to tell. This has less to do with your child not trusting you, and more to do with them trying to protect you, being fearful of family fallout, or potentially not having the development of language to tell or explain what happened (McElvaney & Nixon, 2019). McElvaney & Nixon (2019) emphasize the need to shift the narrative, de-centering the self-blame you may feel, and rebuilding that relationship. Understanding that delayed disclosure is normal in these situations and that it isn’t necessarily your fault, can open the doors to recontextualize the guilt you may feel. This understanding can make room for the rebuilding of trust and compassion for yourself and your child. Eventually, this can lead to a reclaiming of your identity as a capable caregiver, and as you go through this process of healing alongside your child, learning, listening, and taking supportive action. 

Supporting Your Child’s Healing Post-Disclosure 

The biggest thing that you can do as a parent is support your child through this process. This can look different for different people and for different family dynamics. Research indicates three main underlying support steps that are valuable in restoring the child-parent relationship after disclosure. The first of these is emotional support, as there are a lot of feelings and emotions that come with disclosing abuse both for you as the caregiver and your child as the victim (McCarthy et al., 2018). McCarthy et al. (2018) outlines three ways to provide emotional support for your child: elaborating, soothing, and orienting. Elaborating can look like encouraging open and honest conversation, making space for this topic despite feelings of discomfort (McCarthy et al., 2018). Offering soothing support is done through offering calm reassurance to your child, reminding them that they are safe and that you believe them (McCarthy et al., 2018). Lastly, orienting is the act of educating your child and making sure that they understand the steps of disclosure (McCarthy et al., 2018). Through this you can remind your child that healing takes time, providing structure, and normalizing their emotions (McCarthy et al., 2018). 

The next step in supporting your child is finding practical ways to rebuild connection (McCarthy et al., 2018). This is something that can be shifted to best suit you and your child but overall revolves around creating space for your child so that they know you care. This means creating space both physically and emotionally, staying present, and inviting them into everyday mundane activities (McCarthy et al., 2018). In some studies, caregivers pointed to the practice of having dinner together at night and cutting back on hours at work to spend time with each other as helpful practices (McCarthy et al., 2018). Another very positive opportunity for connection is caregiver-led and therapist-assisted therapy, or attending therapy services together, from which participants have reported increased closeness and communication (Muster et al., 2022). These connections should focus on validating your child’s emotions, minimizing blame, and praising them for their courage. 

The last step points to learning a sense of balance between providing your child protection and allowing them to regain autonomy and independence (McCarthy et al., 2018). Lange et al. (2019) point out that parents who are survivors themselves often have become overprotective, which can drive a wedge between you and your child. Finding that fine line of balance between safety and supporting your child’s autonomy and self-growth can be challenging. As you work through this challenge of balance, take note that over-monitoring can communicate fear instead of trust, and creating a relationship of trust between you and your child can be an immense support for them. 

Finding Ways to Care for Yourself – Resources to get Connected with 

This process can be shattering as a parent, something that you never saw coming or never imagined would happen to your child and your family. Your child’s disclosure can make you susceptible to secondary trauma, which is trauma that occurs when you are exposed to the traumatic experiences of another person. The risk of experiencing secondary trauma is especially apparent if you are a survivor of abuse yourself (Serin, 2018). This information can renew feelings of anxiety and trigger past PTSD from your own experiences. Throughout this healing journey, it is so important not to forget about caring for yourself. You cannot show up fully for your child if you do not first show up for yourself. For many, this may be some form of self-care or therapy. Seeking this out supports both your recovery and your caregiving capacity. Another huge asset to yourself is getting connected to community support. This can be working through things with a First Witness advocate, attending a parent support group, going to therapy, or for some; it is helpful to get involved in a faith community. Each person is unique in their processing through their child’s disclosure. Learn what works best for you. Remind yourself continually that you do not have to choose between your healing and your child; they strengthen each other. 

Finding Hope and Growth 

This process is not easy, and it is a journey of healing that doesn’t happen overnight. Lange et al. (2019) point out that although it is challenging, parenting through trauma can be a catalyst for healing, for both you and your child. Supporting your child can prompt you to confront and process your own trauma, supporting the deepening of empathy and resilience. This journey, while painful, can lead to exponential family growth and strength in both you and your child.